I have been out of the writing arena for some time....
I just stopped..quit....
I believe I was protecting myself...
I became numb.. I had to be..
I had to get through the holidays and other stuff...
even with P ..I had become quiet.. avoided easily...
just getting through day by day...
but trying to avoid is exhausting ..
and sooner or later it catches up and bites you in the ass....
it got me...
I felt the sting of the bite...
until today it was quiet..
until today "I" was in control...
until today ...
I weaned myself off a drug, that I had become dependent on...
I successfully quit cold turkey..I was pleased and proud that I was able to do that..
Until yesterday....I had taken 2 ..
the only reason I knew it was 2 is because I have a good count on them.
2 is not a big deal for most... but it is for me..
because I knew it wasn't "ME" who took them...
I slept 8 hours during the day because of it...
I put them away... and went to bed normal time....
intending on getting up to see P in the AM
apparently.... "someone" had something different planned..
I missed that appointment..
She (P) called this am checking to see where I was...
there were text messages.. that definitely were not from ME..
actually i'm not looking forward to trauma work..
I have been in chaos not knowing what to do about this blog....
I really wanted to shut it down and be done...
but P is right... writing helps me .. and somehow people are touched..
So I guess this is the beginning of new posts..
a New Year...
Hold on folks... it's gonna be a bumpy ride....
Together... I love you
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Have so missed seeing you here, Bonnie, but I do understand how you felt the need to step back from it for a time. I agree with P - writing is great therapy and you should definitely continue. And, yes, your courageous, forthright stories are inspirational and moving.
ReplyDeleteMay love and blessings surround you in the new year, dear friend!
Hey!!!! I just noticed - you said "Together I love you" - Didn't you used to always say 'we'? I'm glad you're continuing the writing. Sometimes the fingers say what needs to be said so the brain can read it. You keep it up. Together, we'll get you through this.
ReplyDeleteBonnie, I've just been doing some work on myself and avoidance is a big thing for me too. So I can understand what you say about it. Like Martha said, writing is great therapy and I'm making sure I use it. You are one strong and beautiful woman with a very large heart. Will be praying that you find the strength to continue your work with P.
ReplyDeleteHugging you Bonnie love. I remember wanting to connect with you in Skype and we were not able to. Then you told me a little later that 'it wasn't you there'...Now I understood the situation a little better. But of all this, I commend you for that great 'awareness' and the 'acknowledgment' that you make. I'm learning a lot from you on how to get know myself better too.
ReplyDeleteI've ceased seeing psychologists but I'm still working on my self. I also remember how I refused to take meds back then, but eventually I was able to make it through.
I may not be there to support you the way my parents did for me but know that I am very near spiritually. I pray for you. I love you a lot :* and 'we' all do.
Bonnie, I will echo what others have said. I was very moved by this post and felt much admiration for you. As a person who spent years in denial about things in my life that needed to be addressed, I understand the lure of avoidance. You are brave to face up to it and even braver to share your story. Think how many people you are helping, including yourself!
ReplyDeleteAh Miss Bonnie,how much I love you. Avoidance is a skill I have honed to near perfection, I am breaking free of it, dealing with it gets it over with. Sounds so easy, it is not, but so very worth it. I am glad to see you putting fingers to keyboard, you have saved my life in the past with your words and your love. You are wise, courageous, and full of compassion. thank you! <3 love to you.<3<3<3
ReplyDelete"Spread your arms in love, and soar above the storm." Anonymous
Bonnie, your experiences during the Christmas season were more than one would expect. But...YOU handled them, and with great thought and concern. A year ago, I would have expected Bongo to present herself and take care of things. This year has seemed a year of growth and difference. Whether you realize it or not, you are taking on more and more of your life's challenges, without aid of the alters. So much, you have delved into without realizing it. The growth, is phenomenal. You don't realize your strength, but it is so present in our conversations, and in your expression of words. Hang in there Chicky! He isn't done with you yet! ♥♥♥
ReplyDeleteYes, people ARE touched... And you are not alone, because your words stung me with recognition, like looking in a mirror. I have been fighting my own addiction, new triggers, and the unending march of the days moving forward.
ReplyDeleteAnd we cannot even use the holidays as a "reason" anymore. Hmmph!! :o<
Come by for a visit some time.
-- SynthGirl
www.SynthiaMasters.com