SHE HELD US

I've been in such a calm phase the last couple of weeks....
worrying about my children allowed me to stay in control..
and be present with my kids...
but whenever it quiets down it always has to get chaotic and noisy again...
So it appears my calm quiet present time has come to an ened...
here's hoping I can learn how to keep present and keep the noise out....

Yesterday for the firs time in awhile I was triggered....
 by hearing a little girl crying...she was absolutely hysterical..
and all I wanted to do was to save her.. I knew I couldn't it was my place...
her therapist was present and it was his place to take care of her....
but as the girl kept crying and I was told the police were there..
I started to panic inside..
I started to feel things I didn't understand...
I was apparently triggered...
 to a place when I was taken to  therapist office at the age of 9 or 10.....
I was told by the therapist that I was bad and lazy...
I was brought to the therapist because I was exhibiting difficult behaviors...
in essence I /Sam was trying to tell about the abuse..

Today I was able to close my eyes and relax...
and P was able to call Sam out.. Sam was able to say why she was sad..
some of which I could see....

P held Sam and showed her she was special , loved and safe...
she felt completely safe...
when I came back .. I found my self in p's arms and I too felt special, loved and safe.....
for the first time Sam was allowed to show tears..
and I was allowed to feel them with her...

Ju Ju is still very prominent and I can feel my mood changing..
I can feel depression grabbing us.. and the thoughts are there and strong...
I hope the more that P can talk to Ju ju that maybe she can be freed from her pain ....
which would allow depression to lift.. I'm aware that this could take a long time..

but today was a step..
Sam and I were safe....
Pbb helps us to hold on to that...
Thank you P ...

Together... I love you

SOME IMAGES BORROWED FROM GOOGLE