if I didn't live it I'd think someone was telling me some sci fi movie plot...
i'm switching like lighting bolts...
I can't remember what I have done from minutes to minute...
I hate alcohol and I'm drinking like a fish..
I'm talking to P constantly which seems too much to me..
like let me live my life already ..
don't therapists work monday through friday?
leave me alone..
no I'm not trying to push her away..I love her too much for that..
but I am tired..
tired down deep in my bones..
I hurt and ache..
I'm lonely and miserable...
I yell and cuss at my kids ..
keep cussing at them like they are worthless..
I think they might hurt by my death
but they are also hurting by how they are seeing me now..
I feel like this is the end of the road..
there is no more hope left...
there is no reason to hang on..
I'm so tired ..
so very tired...
no one understands the terror inside me..
what do i do? what would you do..
come on people I know there are others out there with DID ..
this would Be the time to use your voice..
help a fellow friend..
I need help I really need help...,
talk to me please..
please
please
You might just save a life...
TOGETHER ... I LOVE YOU
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We don't always know the reasons for the deck we are dealt in life, and Lord knows, you have had more than your fair share. I don't have DID and don't have any answers for you. But I can only suspect that a strong, supportive network of people surrounding you day in and day out will aid in your journey through this nightmare, which you have. So many are following you and keeping you near to their heart, some you may never even know.
ReplyDeleteWe do the best with what we are given here on earth, and you know me Chicky...you know my faith and what I believe. That's where I lay the rest. Right now, that is a sensitive topic of conversation with you and I don't want to cause a trigger in any way. We can't solve our problems on our own. We always need someone to lean on. Now is the time for you to 'lean' and count on those around you that support you.
Don't beat yourself up over your children. I believe they love you with unconditional love and they understand more than you give them credit for. They are part of your support system, so utilize their love and let it penetrate your heart. Let them know that you love them as well, and although you are going through this nightmare, that doesn't mean you love them any less. I think you will be amazed at the compassion they hold in their hearts for you.
Love you Chicky!! Although the road will continue to be rocky, at some point you will find a level spot to stop and take a breath, before you continue to the finish line ♥♥♥
I don't think someone has to have DID to understand the deep pain of isolation, devastation, desperation... no matter what occurs that brings any of us to such a place, what helps us "help" each other is the "knowing how it feels", irrespective of the specific circumstances. Many times in this life I have felt helpless, hopeless, suicidal and utterly without direction. I remember believing there was no way out, that no one understood, or if they did, would think to lend a helping hand. But the deepest, most unbearable pain came from believing I wasn't worth saving even if someone DID care. Looking back I now know there were those who cared but didn't know HOW to help. There were those who tried to reach out and it was I who pushed them away - again and again and again. However, there was one, just ONE important person who no matter what I threw at her, refused to give up on me. No matter how many times I let her know I didn't want or need her help and ran from her compassion, she never abandoned me ... she simply wouldn't let me push her away and in doing so, in the long run she saved my life. It wasn't pretty and to this day it doesn't particularly please me how mean and petty I sometimes was in coming to terms with my inner turmoil and pain, at the expense of someone who just wanted to teach me the meaning of what it means to be loved. In time I learned and I think in time, so will you. But I don't expect you to believe this when you are in the midst of such turmoil. I didn't when I was in the midst of it either. But you are asking for help and I am responding to your plea with an outstretched hand and an open heart. At some point you have to take that leap of faith and risk believing some of us are real and have CHOSEN to be your friend - to care about and love you, and walk beside you through your darkest days. Push out the abusers, not the healers Bon Bon. We are here, waiting patiently while you find yourself and hopefully someday soon, come to BELIEVE how wonderful you really are.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog and the 2 comments – you are lucky to have such people care enough for you to write such intelligent and caring comments – it moved me, too.
ReplyDeleteLove you
Mom
I can feel the pain through your words. My heart goes out to you. I echo what others have said about support. Sometimes the support comes in ways and from people you don't expect. But it's there. Sending blessings and strength your way.
ReplyDeleteOh, Bonnie, how much I love you, dear one! Let the words you write be the tears which cleanse your soul and lead to healing. Know I am praying for you every day . . .
ReplyDelete<3 Bonnie I can say no more than the folks above. I can only add that I too love you, cherish your friendship and admire your strength. You led me to the healing road, I will always love you for the compassion and love you showed to me when I was lost and alone. I will hold your hand. Mary is right in all she said. <3<3<3
ReplyDeleteHiya Bonnie & Crew: been awhile, but you asked for someone DID to help - what can I say?
ReplyDeleteWe've found that we've got to learn to "take a step back" in our head(s) when we get too insane - to STOP! - and THINK - about what we are saying/doing in order to keep from hurting anyone else with our words. (e.g. the kids. or in our case the spouse & grandkids - stupid stuff we say/do that hurts them.
There's a curse in being too honest some of the times.
It's really hard once we or someone in us 'gets going' (on an anger/rage binge) so we've learned to try to clamp it/nip it in the bud. It's hard to tell sometimes when somebodies getting mad, but when we "feel" our body rushes of adrenalin or the headache coming on we do it: step back and re-examine ourselves to see who is all right and who is not and why and try to resolve it out with them.
Just our path, one of many, and just one trick in the bag. But we found it's important to step on our emotions & stuff before it gets too out of hand - the bad ones, at least. And rationalize it with our adult alters sometimes.
Keep on truckin' and as our boss says: 'this too will pass in time' (sighing) - as it always does. and does and does again. :/