Tuesday, January 28, 2014

AN OPEN WOUND



I find myself again in a place ...
that I want to shut down..
close my eyes sleep away the day ..
make it all go away...







I find myself communicating less and less ..
with anyone ..
including P..

I want to hide it..
make it not real..
live in fantasy land..

I want things to change ...
yet the work..
the process scares the hell outta me..

I don't want to remember...
see, touch, smell...

after all that's why I split off to begin with..
 to lock it all away..
Why now would I want to open a wound ..
 pour salt and watch as I physically and emotionally crumble?


I can't write what I feel ...
or I risk scaring those close to me..

Just waking everyday is exhausting..
even sleeping is exhausting.


I use so much energy hiding ..
yet too afraid to remove the mask ..

I had a dream that P was on the other side of the lake....
I couldn't get to her...
I was horrified...
but why did I dream that to begin with..
what did I need from her?

I found a song that moved my soul...
Have a listen :


TOGETHER.... I LOVE YOU FOREVER

  SOME IMAGES BORROWED FROM GOOGLE



4 comments:

  1. Bonnie, you are going through some difficult times. I wish there was something that someone could say or do to take it all away and make it better. You are strong, beyond belief! I have witnessed this strength in you, so draw on it and keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how zapped it leaves you feeling. I love you Chicky!

    ReplyDelete
  2. With Mary, I so wish I could help, dear Bonnie. Miss you so much here at Blogplicity. Know how much you are loved!

    ReplyDelete
  3. So many things happened this past year. Some really good things and some really bad. I know how easy it is to want to run away and not deal. Sometimes it is good to take a few days off and just rest from it all. But, you must always come back and keep pushing forward.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm at the same place you write of so openly here. I have no wisdom to share, just a brief comment to let you know I read this, and I hear you loud and clear.

    ReplyDelete

FOLLOW ME :)

FOLLOW WITH GOOGLE :)

Labels

SUICIDE IDEATION (139) THERAPY (132) Dissociative Identity Disorder (111) DISSOCIATION (103) DID (100) SEXUAL ABUSE (39) THIS MOMENT (37) GRIEF (35) THERAPIST (32) DEPRESSION (31) FEAR (31) TRUST (30) SAM (28) GOD (25) MEMORIES (24) Z (24) YOU TUBE TUESDAY (22) GUEST POSTS (21) REAL LIFE SERIES (21) ALTERS (20) P (19) DUAL RELATIONSHIPS (18) PAIN (18) ABANDONMENT (17) POETRY (17) RELATIONSHIPS (17) TEARS (17) MPD (15) ANGER (13) FLOODING (13) FLASH BACK (12) SAFE PLACE (12) TRIGGERS (12) Trauma therapy (11) LOVE (10) BODY MEMORIES (9) PANIC (9) FLASHBACKS (8) FRIENDSHIPS (8) LETTING GO (8) SELF INJURY (8) SUICIDE ATEMPT (8) Ariel (7) FRIENDS (7) MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER (7) MUSIC (7) PROMISES (7) SHAME (7) UNCONDITIONAL LOVE (7) BLOG HOP (6) CHANGE (6) GOOD BYE (6) HUMOR THERAPY (6) TRAUMA (6) AWARDS (5) BONGO (5) CHURCH (5) DEATH (5) DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (5) FAMILY (5) HYPNOSIS (5) MELT DOWN (5) STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART AWARD (5) THE BEACH (5) VOICE (5) . DID (4) ABUSE (4) Aiden (4) BPD (4) Blogging (4) CHANGING WHAT'S REAL EVENT (4) CRYING (4) DARKNESS (4) Details... DID...Dissociative identity disorder...Sexual abuse... Suicide ideation (4) FEELINGS (4) HEALING (4) HUMOR (4) HYPNO THERAPY (4) INSIDE (4) PRAYER (4) PRAYING (4) PTSD (4) PURPOSE (4) RAPE (4) SHUT DOWN (4) THANK YOU (4) TRANSITION (4) TRIGGER (4) ABORTION (3) ANTIOCH (3) AVOIDANCE (3) BLOGPLICITY (3) DRUGS (3) FUN (3) HONESTY (3) HOPE (3) Joshua (3) MEDICAL HYPNOSIS (3) MOMENT IN TIME (3) NIGHTMARES (3) Nightmare (3) PETS (3) SUPPORT (3) SURVIVOR (3) THE BLUE ROOM (3) THOUGHTS (3) age regression (3) ...Dissociative identity disorder...Sexual abuse... Suicide ideation (2) 000 (2) ATTACHMENT (2) Anxiety (2) BONGO IS ME (2) Blogversary (2) Borderline Personality Disorder (2) CHILDREN (2) CLOSURE (2) CONTROL (2) CUTTING LOSSES (2) ENDINGS (2) Elijah (2) HOLIDAYS (2) HOMELESS (2) HUGS (2) HURT (2) ISOLATION (2) L AND Z (2) LAUGHTER (2) LIFE (2) MARY (2) PARENTING (2) PHYSICAL ABUSE (2) PUBLIC AID (2) RACING THOUGHTS (2) REJECTION (2) SELF IMAGE (2) SUICIDE (2) SURVIVAL (2) Sand tray (2) THERAPY TALES (2) TRUTH (2) VICTIM ROLE (2) WORSHIP (2) for those who seek (2) hopelessness (2) ju ju (2) light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel (2) self care (2) traumatic memories (2) ..Sexual abuse... Suicide ideation (1) 01 26 11 (1) 100 000 celebration (1) 100 TRUTHS (1) 15 (1) 50 (1) 911 (1) A (1) ACTION (1) ADVENT (1) AGORAPHOBIA (1) ANALSEX. FISSURES (1) ANGEL EYES (1) ARISTOTLE (1) Adoption (1) Alcohol. (1) Alcohol. Emotional abuse (1) Anna Sidea (1) BEGINNINGS (1) BEING ALONE (1) BI POLAR (1) BIRTHDAYS (1) BLESSINGS (1) BLOG AWARD (1) BLOGGERS MEET (1) BLOGGERS UNITE (1) BONNIE (1) BREATHING (1) BROKEN HEART (1) BULEMIA (1) BULLYING (1) BUTTERFLY (1) Blog Tag You're It (1) CELABRATION (1) CHANGING WHAT'S REAL EVENT 5 (1) CHANGING WHAT'S REAL EVENT 6 (1) CHAOS (1) CHRISTMAS (1) CODE WORD LIZA (1) COMMUNION (1) CONSPIRACY (1) CYBER BOT (1) Comments program (1) DENIAL (1) DENTISTRY (1) DIABETES (1) DISAPPOINTMENT (1) DIST (1) DISTRACTION (1) DOG (1) DONATIONS (1) DONE (1) DREAMS (1) EASTER (1) ECT (1) EMERGENCY ROOM (1) EMOTIONAL ABUSE (1) EMOTIONAL NEGLECT (1) ESCAPE (1) EVANGELIZING (1) EYES (1) FAILURE (1) FAKE (1) FALL (1) FANTASY (1) FINANCIAL TROUBLE (1) FLODING (1) FOOD CARD (1) GAY (1) GIVING (1) GRIEVING (1) Guilt (1) HANUKKAH (1) HELP (1) HIDING BEHIND GOD (1) HONESTLY (1) I LOVE YOU FOREVER (1) I'M SORRY (1) IDEATION (1) IMAGO DEI (1) INCEST (1) INSANITY (1) INSURANCE (1) IRRATIONALITY (1) JEALOUSY (1) JESUS (1) JORIE (1) JOY (1) JuJu (1) KREATIV BLOGGER AWARD (1) LESBIAN (1) LIEBSTER BLOG LOVE AWARD (1) LIMBO (1) LISA (1) LISA BRANDEL (1) LONLINESS (1) LORAZAPAM (1) LOSING TIME (1) LOST (1) Letter to Z (1) Lies.FAKE (1) Lorazepam (1) M (1) MASK (1) MINDFUL (1) MISSION TRIP (1) MONDAY MEMORY (1) MONEY (1) MY SHIRT (1) Medication (1) Midwest (1) Mother (1) NANNY (1) NELIETA (1) NEURONTIN (1) NIGHTMARES. THERAPY (1) NOISE (1) OLD SCRIPTS (1) ON CALL (1) P's blog (1) P. music (1) PEACE (1) PERSIA (1) PHOBIAS (1) POERTREE BLOG HOP (1) POETREE (1) POETREE HOP (1) POLICE (1) POVERTY (1) PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTING (1) PURGING (1) Parent (1) Posttraumatic stress disorder (1) QUIET (1) REAL (1) RITUAL ABUSE (1) ROSE (1) Re POST (1) SAFETY (1) SEARCHING (1) SEASONS (1) SELF ESTEEM (1) SILENCE (1) SJ (1) SMILES (1) SPIRITUAL ABUSE (1) STANDING UP (1) STAR SUNDAY FEATURED BLOGGER (1) SURRENDER (1) Sometimes I wish..Bog Hop (1) Susan Murfphy Milano (1) Sweepy (1) TAG (1) TETHER (1) THE BALD GUY (1) THE PACT (1) THERAPY THERAPIST (1) THURSDAY DEDICATION (1) TITANIC SWIM TEAM (1) TOUCH (1) TRIGGER WARNING (1) Therapy. THERAPIST. SEXUAL ABUSE (1) UN DIAGNOSED PAIN (1) USELESS PEOPLE (1) WOrTHLESS (1) Whitney Houston (1) YOGA (1) YOU TOUCHED A LIFE AWARD (1) YOU TUESDAY (1) YOU"RE NOT ALONE (1) alone (1) alter activity.SAM CALL PAT (1) burden (1) concrete angel (1) drugged (1) epeisiotomy (1) gifts (1) giving birth (1) more then you'll ever know (1) new template (1) processing (1) the 9th day (1) vacation (1) www.healmyptsd.com (1)

Blogger

Bongo - Find me on Bloggers.com